I must have been in fourth grade when I had my first kiss, by this girl named Ashley. I went to this private school in upper Manhattan and there were three floors and the little kids’ cubbies were downstairs. One day, she took me down there and we were in the cubby section and nobody was around and she gave me my first kiss. She taught me to like tongue kiss. I remember being really hyped about it and loving it… but she wouldn’t be my girlfriend and I couldn’t figure it out.
It didn’t even hurt because I didn’t understand. So I just figured, Ok, nobody should have boyfriends and girlfriends or whatever. And then I told one of my friends that we had kissed or whatever, and he didn’t believe me!
And so then, I was like, “You know what, ask her!” And then she said we didn’t! And then I was like What’s going on? And then the next day, we go downstairs when everyone is upstairs and we secretly kiss and I asked her, “Hey, why did you say that you didn’t kiss me?” And she was all mad at me and said “You shouldn’t tell anybody!” And I realized that she’s embarrassed that I was the guy that she liked! And that really hurt me! It still hurts me to this day!
Why would you be embarrassed of me, you know? I think later on… it was just that she came from a family that was strict about stuff like that and she really didn’t want people to know that she was frisky at such a young age I guess. But for me I took it very personally.
Every girlfriend I've had since, and every relationship I've had since, I've been very vocal... and this is something that happens when I get into an argument with a girl... I'll say, "What are you, embarrassed of me?"
It’s just something that naturally comes out because my love map is built on this idea that if she’s upset with me it’s because she’s embarrassed by me in someway. And I am embarrassing sometimes! I know that I have gotten way too drunk when you’re out on a date with a girl, so yes, there is that.
A couple years ago, I contacted her, 'cuz I wanted to tell this story on some podcast that invited me. And she was still like, "No, I'm a lawyer now and I don't think it would be good for my career..." I'm like, "We were ten, dude! You can't talk about something when you were ten?"
I didn’t say it then, but when we got off the phone, I was like, she’s still fucking embarrassed by me! Twenty years later, she’s still embarrassed that she made out with Neruda by the cubbies in fourth grade.